Dialogue That Transforms
After our 5/29/12 rally, two members of Solidarity with Sisters are escorted to the door of the Vatican Embassy to meet with the Papal Nuncio.
“Real dialogue doesn’t have winners and losers. It’s a way that we both get stretched.” (Sister Mary Hughes)
“Let us engage in careful listening and honest questioning. Let us honor the dignity of those with whom we disagree and treat them with the respect that is their God-given right. Let us seek the common good, desire only good for all others, and offer our own truth with equal measures of conviction and humility.” (7/1/2016 LCWR public statement: “LCWR Calls for Civil Discourse for the Common Good”)
“Let us engage in careful listening and honest questioning. Let us honor the dignity of those with whom we disagree and treat them with the respect that is their God-given right. Let us seek the common good, desire only good for all others, and offer our own truth with equal measures of conviction and humility.” (7/1/2016 LCWR public statement: “LCWR Calls for Civil Discourse for the Common Good”)
How Is Dialogue Different?
From Sister Nancy Sylvester, creator of the Institute for Communal Contemplation and Dialogue:
"Dialogue is the experience of truly engaging with others in a conversation that respects the gift each person is to the whole, believing that together you will probe, explore, and eventually come to some level of understanding. I believe dialogue leads to a synergy among the participants creating something new, be it in concept or action. In dialogue I believe you trust that your insight or perspective is not the only valid one and that you are willing to listen to the other.
Dialogue is far richer than debate, advocacy, an exchange of ideas, negotiation or a discussion. It is not a one-side winner-take-all approach to issues. Peter Senge reminds us that “To the Greeks dia-logos meant a free-flowing of meaning through the group to discover insights not attainable individually.” For this to happen one can’t just be waiting to jump into a conversation with one’s own point of view, preparing what you’ll say while the other persons are talking. Rather, it is to begin to think together. Engaging in dialogue means that you are willing to look at all the assumptions, including your fundamental beliefs and worldviews if necessary."
"Dialogue is the experience of truly engaging with others in a conversation that respects the gift each person is to the whole, believing that together you will probe, explore, and eventually come to some level of understanding. I believe dialogue leads to a synergy among the participants creating something new, be it in concept or action. In dialogue I believe you trust that your insight or perspective is not the only valid one and that you are willing to listen to the other.
Dialogue is far richer than debate, advocacy, an exchange of ideas, negotiation or a discussion. It is not a one-side winner-take-all approach to issues. Peter Senge reminds us that “To the Greeks dia-logos meant a free-flowing of meaning through the group to discover insights not attainable individually.” For this to happen one can’t just be waiting to jump into a conversation with one’s own point of view, preparing what you’ll say while the other persons are talking. Rather, it is to begin to think together. Engaging in dialogue means that you are willing to look at all the assumptions, including your fundamental beliefs and worldviews if necessary."
What Does Dialogue Look Like?
You can almost use the chart below as a roadmap, whether for a better Thanksgiving dinner or for formal dialogue efforts. From the excellent resources at the visionary 1992 Catholic Common Ground Initiative:
Debate |
Dialogue |
Pre-meeting communication between sponsors and participants is minimal and largely irrelevant to what follows. |
Pre-meeting contacts and preparation of participants are essential elements of the full process. |
Participants tend to be leaders known for propounding a carefully crafted position. The personas displayed in the debate are usually already familiar to the public. The behavior of the participants tends to conform to stereotypes. |
Those chosen to participate are not necessarily “outspoken” leaders. Whoever they are, they speak as individuals whose own unique experiences differ in some respects from others on their “side.” Their behavior is likely to vary in some degree and along some dimensions from stereotypic images others may hold of them. |
The atmosphere is threatening; attacks and interruptions are expected by participants and are usually permitted by moderators. |
The atmosphere is one of safety; facilitators propose, get agreement on, and enforce clear ground rules to enhance safety and promote respectful exchange. |
Participants speak as representatives of groups. |
Participants speak as individuals, for their own unique experience. |
Participants speak to their own constituents and, perhaps, to the undecided middle. |
Participants speak to each other. |
Differences within “sides” are denied or minimized. |
Differences among participants on the same “side” are revealed, as individuals and personal foundations of beliefs and values are explored. |
Participants express unswerving commitment to a point of view, approach, or idea. |
Participants express uncertainties as well as deeply held beliefs. |
Participants listen in order to refute the side’s data to expose faulty logic in their arguments. Questions are asked from a positive of certainty. These questions are often rhetorical challenges or disguised statements. |
Participants listen to understand and gain insight into the beliefs and concerns of the others. Questions are asked from a position of curiosity. |
Statements are predictable and offer little new information. |
New information surfaces. |
Success requires simple impassioned statements. |
Success requires exploration of the complexities of the issue being discussed. |
Debates operate within the constraints of the dominant public discourse. (The discourse defines the problem and the options for resolution. It assumes that fundamental needs and values are already clearly understood). |
Participants are encouraged to question the dominant public discourse, that is, to express fundamental needs that may or may not be reflected in the discourse and to explore various options for problem definition and resolution. Participants may discover inadequacies in the usual language and concepts used in the public debate. |
Skills for Listening and for Speaking
in order to seek the truth together
Practical wisdom from sisters who chose dialogue when supporters and the media were clamoring for them to either debate or counterattack (100% consistent with LCWR's “Call for Civil Discourse for the Common Good”):
- A method for sorting out truth on all sides, and for discerning how to proceed in contentious situations: “Truth-Telling: On Personal and Institutional Integrity,” Sister Marlene Weisenbeck’s chapter in LCWR’s book However Long the Night: Making Meaning in a Time of Crisis (pp. 27-41).
- Four simple and profound rules for engaging with others in ways that can build genuine dialogue and reflections on truth and experiences during the time of the LCWR mandate: “Common Journey Through Diverse Paths: Developing Right Relationships in Conflictual Situations,” Sister Janet Mock’s chapter in LCWR’s book However Long the Night: Making Meaning in a Time of Crisis (pp. 55-69).
- Insights about invisible habits of untested perceptions and cultural gaps that can evolve into polarization, and how conflict can be resolved through growing mutual understanding: “The Power of Secrecy and Perceptions,” Sister Sharon Holland’s chapter in LCWR’s book However Long the Night: Making Meaning in a Time of Crisis (pp. 108-117).
- Personal and collective ways in which LCWR leaders found the capacity for honesty, humility, and personal growth and renewal even when dialogue seems stuck in impasse: “A Spiritual Journey: What We Learned about Humility,” Sister Mary Hughes’ chapter in LCWR’s book However Long the Night: Making Meaning in a Time of Crisis (pp. 118-132).
Go deeper than discussion – from JustFaith, e.g., practical webinars like “Moving from discussion to dialogue.”
Hear what people are really saying -- A quick intro to Active Listening from Mind Tools, teaching the behaviors that let you give undivided attention; show the speaker that you’re listening; give feedback solely to clarify and understand the speaker; defer judgment; and respond appropriately.
Generous listening -- Beloved author and esteemed professor Rachel Naomi Remen, MD, on generous listening as a catalyst for dialogue and healing. Two versions - short youtube and longer podcast.
One intriguing fact: articles about "being heard" nearly always emphasize listening - to your own body, to the other's words, to the other's body language.
"On Being a Prophetic Voice for Action, Rooted in Contemplation" – Fr. Phil Cover.
"How to Communicate in a Polarized Society" - Diego Fares, SJ, and Austin Iverleigh illuminate communication principles through examples of Pope Francis' ways of relating with others. The authors draw on the principles and extensive resources at Better Angels, a project of political-religious conversation in a time of polarization founded by David Blankenhorn.
Success stories and one-page guide: Essentials of Transformative Dialogue, with a process that, over time, can enable participants "to gain clarity about their own perspective, to challenge their own assumptions and to open to the experience and perspective of 'the other'.” From The Dialogue Project, an interfaith conflict-transformation organization. "Movement forward is possible when seeds of trust are given room to take root."
Excellent articles, videos, and podcasts at the Catholic Common Ground Initiative. “Not all is ‘sweetness and light.’ Yet dialogue, defined as ‘seeking the truth together,’ is critical to the process. It is an important step toward overcoming both polarization and alienation. It is a process of speaking and listening with profound respect for one another. Ultimately it is not only a pastoral strategy but a theological conviction that the Spirit is inspiring people in myriad ways and an evangelical obligation to reach out to those who are apart from the community.” (Msgr. Philip J. Murnion)
Consider how the interaction might turn out differently if you’ve thought about how you’d want the conversation to end and how you could behave to ensure that outcome. Approaching a conversation with this in mind may help to make the other person feel safe while ensuring an atmosphere of greater mutual respect…. The first step toward making sure that you talk in a way that won’t offend or turn off another and instead allow yourself to be heard, is to be aware and accountable for your story. Owning your story doesn’t mean discounting it or not talking about it. It simply means being willing to question it, explore it, and talk about it in a responsible and respectful way with the other. (Claire Maisonneuve)
An example: in America magazine, Jesuit Fr. Jim Martin and Ross Douthat's email conversation hit many hot-button issues - in a respectful, listening way.
Dialogue "Starter Kits" and More
Better Conversations – A Starter Guide: a wonderfully simple and complete approach. From principles to prep to the conversation itself and next steps after. All you need to do is invite a few people. From Krista Tippett’s, creator of On Being and of this adventurous, straightforward Civil Conversations Project.
Sister Nancy Sylvester’s “5 Whys” process guide example – five "why's" take us a lot deeper than one in seeking mutual and self-understanding. From the Institute for Communal Contemplation and Dialogue.
Quaker teacher and leader Parker J. Palmer’s Healing Democracy Discussion Circles Guide, tips, videos, more resources for “Healing the Heart of Democracy.”
Margaret Wheatley's Turning to One Another: Simple Conversations to Restore Hope to the Future. "I believe we can change the world if we start talking to one another again.” Part One explores the power of conversation and the conditions -- simplicity, personal courage, real listening, and diversity -- that support it. Part Two provides ten “conversation starters” -- questions that in Wheatley's experience have led people to share their deepest beliefs, fears, and hopes."
Nuns & Nones Organizer Toolkit: Examples of different local dialogue/seekers groups, conversation guidelines on p. 29. A tip from p. 19: “Embrace the gathering as an opportunity to catch a breath in the rush of life.”
Dialogue at work: The Center for Creative Leadership has resources and podcasts about applying dialogue in business and other organizations. Daniel Yankelovich takes a similar focus in The Magic of Dialogue: Transforming Conflict into Cooperation. Writing from the perspective of a social scientist, Yankelovich gives examples of dialogues that "work" and from them draws fifteen strategies for dialogue. Recommended by the Catholic Common Ground Initiative.
Sister Nancy Sylvester’s “5 Whys” process guide example – five "why's" take us a lot deeper than one in seeking mutual and self-understanding. From the Institute for Communal Contemplation and Dialogue.
Quaker teacher and leader Parker J. Palmer’s Healing Democracy Discussion Circles Guide, tips, videos, more resources for “Healing the Heart of Democracy.”
Margaret Wheatley's Turning to One Another: Simple Conversations to Restore Hope to the Future. "I believe we can change the world if we start talking to one another again.” Part One explores the power of conversation and the conditions -- simplicity, personal courage, real listening, and diversity -- that support it. Part Two provides ten “conversation starters” -- questions that in Wheatley's experience have led people to share their deepest beliefs, fears, and hopes."
Nuns & Nones Organizer Toolkit: Examples of different local dialogue/seekers groups, conversation guidelines on p. 29. A tip from p. 19: “Embrace the gathering as an opportunity to catch a breath in the rush of life.”
Dialogue at work: The Center for Creative Leadership has resources and podcasts about applying dialogue in business and other organizations. Daniel Yankelovich takes a similar focus in The Magic of Dialogue: Transforming Conflict into Cooperation. Writing from the perspective of a social scientist, Yankelovich gives examples of dialogues that "work" and from them draws fifteen strategies for dialogue. Recommended by the Catholic Common Ground Initiative.
Pope Paul VI's Principles for Dialogue
From his 1964 encyclical Ecclesiam Suam, paragraphs 81-82. Sister Mary Hughes, LCWR past president, cited them in her 2012 speech to the National Press Club.
- Clarity before all else; the dialogue demands that what is said should be intelligible....
- Our dialogue must be accompanied by that meekness which Christ bade us learn from himself....
- Confidence is also necessary; confidence not only in the power of one's own words, but also in the good will of both parties in the dialogue. Hence dialogue promotes intimacy and friendship on both sides. It unites them in a mutual adherence to the Good, and thus excludes all self-seeking.
- Finally, the prudence of a teacher who is most careful to make allowances for the psychological and moral circumstances of his hearer, particularly if he is a child, unprepared, suspicious or hostile. The person who speaks is always at pains to learn the sensitivities of his audience.
- In a dialogue conducted with this kind of foresight, truth is wedded to charity and understanding to love. God Himself took the initiative in the dialogue of salvation. 'He hath first loved us.' We, therefore, must be the first to ask for a dialogue with men, without waiting to be summoned to it by others.
- Our dialogue too must take cognizance of the slowness of human and historical development, and wait for the hour when God may make it effective. We should not however on that account postpone until tomorrow what we can accomplish today. We should be eager for the opportune moment and sense of the preciousness of time.